I Love Weddings!

I love weddings!  Sharing that special day with someone who is near and dear to you.  But unfortunately I've now missed 3 family weddings and am about to miss one of my best friend's weddings.

First came my cousin Bruce and Abby, who got married a few years ago now.  They have a dachshund named Colin.  They live outside of Toronto and are very happy.

Then the following Christmas, his sister Emily married Luc.  She looked divine in the pictures.  They have a black lab named Camille and a dalmatian named Crystal.  They live in Hamilton, Ontario near my Hab-loving cousin Ken.

Then yesterday my cousin Sarah married Jim, a just graduated Doctor.  They are going to Scotland for their honeymoon, and will then move to rural Manitoba for his residency.  They have a Burmese Mountain Dog, a golden retriever (?), and a rabbit.

My dear friend Jason is getting married at the end of June to Todd.  They have been together for 5 years (maybe longer) and got engaged in a garden in Italy.  They live in Los Angeles with their terrier Teddy.  I forget which kind of terrier he is.  They are getting married at a college and it should be amazing.  Unfortunately I cannot afford to go.  LA is too expensive for me to get to, stay in, and get around in.

I wish all my wedding stars a blissful marriage!

As for my own wedding, I had a good time.  As I watch the wedding video every year, I am reminded how much I fidget and give exasperated looks.  I don't know what that says about me but whatever.  It is what it is.  The service did start almost an hour late because we were stuck in traffic and then it took forever to get me laced up.  I had no time to adjust and before I knew it I was walking down the aisle.  I hate being rushed.  My husband looked so handsome in his tuxedo and the service was lovely.  I have to watch the wedding video to remember most of it.  The reception was okay.  The serving and cooking staff were short-handed so it took forever to get dinner out, but that's okay.  It was still great.

A Boring Memorial Day Weekend

How was my Memorial Day Weekend?  Boring.  I left the house once to go do laundry, grocery shopping, and a stop at CVS to pick up prescriptions and hair conditioner.  Laundry was annoying.  People left their crap on the laundry carts so when I needed to transfer our laundry from the washer to the dryer, I had to throw the clothes rather than wheel them to the dryers.  Fortunately I have good aim.  The grocery shopping was short because I only had $31 left in food stamps.  I'm not sure what we're going to eat this week, but we'll muddle through I suppose.  I didn't have much money for conditioner, so I bought the VO5 conditioner that cost $1.97.  My conditioner cost $4.73, so scratch that.  Hopefully this VO5 stuff works.

There was a parade today that went right by our house.  I woke up to the sounds of gunfire, but failed to get dressed and join the people out watching.  My husband slept through the whole thing.

It's supposed to be 90F tomorrow.  We don't have our air conditioner installed yet.  We could try doing it tomorrow after my husband's physical therapy appointment.  I have to meet with one of my case managers, but that meeting shouldn't take too long.  I hate the heat.  I prefer winter over summer.  My favorite season is the Fall.  Spring is a close second.  But this year we went straight from Winter to summer.

I really want to paint but nothing is inspiring me.  Ugh!  I hate this feeling!

A 9 Day Mental Adjustment

I spent the last 9 days in a private psychiatric hospital getting my medications changed.  I had been having command hallucinations and I was paranoid.  I showed up to my Wednesday morning DBT group and instead of going in, went to the receptionist and asked to see my psychiatrist.  She wasn't there but they put me in with one of her colleagues and after talking to me for a few minutes decided that I needed a rapid med change which is done safely in an inpatient hospital setting.  So an ambulance was called and I was brought to the psychiatric ER at Lowell General Hospital.  There were patients there being restrained and screaming.  It wasn't fun.  I was evaluated and sent to the psychiatric hospital a few towns to the North.

I was started on Zyprexa and it worked for a few hours.  Then they decided Zyprexa was bad because it can lead to diabetes in patients.  So I was switched to Latuda.  But the doctor forgot to take me off the Zyprexa, and I was being weaned off the Trilafon which was what I have been taking for years, so I was on 3 different anti-psychotics over the weekend.  I felt very strange to say the least.  Monday the doctor realized her mistake and immediately took me off the Zyprexa.

Yesterday I was off the Trilafon and not hallucinating anymore so today I wa discharged.  After 9 days I was so happy to be home.  I experienced many things with other patients but I don't feel right sharing in their stories.  I believe that even though I won't disclose which facility I was in, there should still be some level of anonymity.  I will say by the time I left I had heard it all.

I kept a journal while I was inpatient.  I had my husband read it when I got home.  He said it sounded like I was in a prison.  It was a locked facility, so in a way I guess it was like prison.

I don't like hospitals, but at least I got the help I needed.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I mentioned in my last post that I secretly want a child.  There are times when I see a screaming child at the mall or doctor's office that makes me question this wish.  I watch parents deal with the screaming in all sorts of different ways.  I wonder if my child would be a screamer.

I can't have children for a few reasons.  There are three main ones.

Reason Number 1: I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and I only ovulate about once every 8 or 9 months.  When we tried before to have a child, I didn't ovulate, even on the medications the OB/GYN prescribed.  And the stronger the dose was, the more manic I got.

Reason Number 2:  I am Bipolar, and going off my medications for 9+ months, along with hormonal mood swings, would be disastrous.  Who knows where I would end up?  And, do I really want to pass along Bipolar genes to an innocent child?  Not really.

Reason Number 3:  Finances.  There is no way we can afford a child.  Not even close.  Even with something like Welfare, WIC, and other government programs we could not afford a child.  My old PCP once said to me.  If your finances are bad at 35, you can wait a few years.  If you really want a child at 39, go for it and somehow it will work out regardless of finances.  I beg to differ.

I'm 35 year old now and getting too old to carry children.  I also don't want to be so much older than my child that their children will never meet their grandparents.  I have a friend who can't have children because she went through chemotherapy for breast cancer.  I share her pain.  Although if I truly wanted to and could afford it, I probably, with medical help, could still have a baby.  Who can afford artificial insemination or IVF?  Not us.

So for now we'll live with our fur and scale babies.  One day I will get a kitten who will cuddle with me and love me.  My guinea pigs love me but they poop and pee all the time.  And often they're not in the mood to be held.  I want something that will sleep in bed with me.  I want a baby, but perhaps, once the piggies have crossed over the Rainbow Bridge, I will have my kitty cat.

The Depression Hangover

When I drink a lot, which happens almost not at all these days. there are three parts.  The Intoxication, the Hangover the next day, and then the day after that comes the Depression Hangover.  I'm not sure if I'm unique in this pattern but most people say "huh?" when I talk about it.

This last Friday, I got quite intoxicated for no good reason.  It started out as a drink, then I liked how I felt so I had another.  And finally, since I wasn't thinking, I finished the bottle of Captain Morgan's.  All three drinks were very strong.  And the Captain Morgan's had been sitting there for 6 months.  I didn't just go out and buy it.  In my intoxication I wrote three very personal blog posts, and broke my own rule for mentioning names of others.

The next stage was the Hangover.  My, was it bad.  Thank goodness my mom took us to the grocery store in the afternoon instead of the morning.  I still had trouble waking up, woke up with a bad headache, and then while I was printing out the shopping list, I threw up all over my bed.  Fortunately I missed the computer.  Driving in my mother's van made the sickness even worse.  I got home from shopping and threw up again.

That was Saturday.  Sunday and Monday, and even today have been the Depression Hangover.  I started seeing worms crawling out of the ceiling and heard maniacal laughing coming from no where.  Then I was depressed.  I mean really depressed.  I cried because secretly I do want a child, and I confessed that to Jason.  I can't have children.  Period.  End of Story.  I don't ovulate more than once a year and I can't be off my meds for 9 months.  But it breaks my heart that I don't even get the chance.

So the Depression Hangover brings up terrible sadness and it's because alcohol reverses the effects of medication.  I was already in a vulnerable spot, having had hallucinations the week before.  I will still drink a glass of wine at social gatherings, and I will still have a beer or two with dinner when we can afford beer.  But all liquor is bad.  Except for Malibu.  That doesn't seem to affect me the same way all other hard liquor does.  Still, I will be cautious.

I'm not an idiot, though sometimes I act like it.  If your doctor says, no more than one drink a day, listen to them.

Happy Mother's Day!

I woke up to my husband wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.  We don't have any human children, but we have 6 fur babies and 3 scale babies, so I appreciated it none the less.  I spent the day showering (it's so dang hot!) in a cool shower, doing dishes, and doting upon my six little piggies.  I gave them hay, water, pellet food, lettuce, parsley, and carrots, and they'll get a green pepper tonight.  It was hot in their room so I opened a window to let the cool evening air in.

I was hoping for some thunderstorms for Mother's Day, but apparently the storms are going to stay in Northern New England.  And the thunderstorms they had been predicting for the next few days fizzled out.  Instead we're supposed to get cooler air (yay!), and I can deal with that.  I hate the summer.  Too hot.  I'll take cold over warm any day.  We haven't put in our AC unit for the bedroom yet.  We need to get wood to frame it because last year we used cardboard and duct tape and it was way too flimsy.

So I want to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all mothers of infants, toddlers, children, teens, etc, and especially fur baby moms!

Never Again

Captain Morgan and I are getting divorced.  Never do I want to drink that foul drink again.  I didn't like it all that much before but now I loathe it.  I had a wicked hangover earlier.  I think it's fair to say that I won't be drinking for a very long time.  And I'll think twice about drinking any hard liquor that's not Malibu (which I love).  A few beers may be alright.  I also wrote 3 blog posts last night while drunk.  Judging by the titles and subject matter, I doubt they were well written.  I'm thinking about deleting them...

My Friendships With Close Friends

I have some really close friends on Facebook, but I talk to two people on the phone the most.  One is Gary Laramee, my former manager at Millennium Pharmaceuticals and the other is Jason Bethel whom I met at Millennium Pharmaceuticals.  Gary I talk to once a week and he puts me down and insults me every week.  He calls me white trash and lazy.  Some friend huh?  Basically I just ignore his insults and we trade general information.  With Jason Bethel I actually find out how he's doing.  He's getting married in a month and a half.  I really like his fiance, Todd.  We see them when they're in town.  We have a few drinks and some laughs.  It's a good time.  When they're not in town which is most of the time, I call Jason every couple of weeks.  He's a good friend and we catch up.  I can't go to his wedding because I can't afford it.  It will be a good time for those who can fly to LA.  A dinner and a brunch are planned.  It makes me sad that I can't go.

I Shouldn't Be Drinking But...

I shouldn't be drinking, but I am.  I think I may be drunk.  Why did I allow myself to get in such a state?  I don't really know.  I'm not supposed to have more than 1 drink at a time, so I suppose Weepy Jenn will make a reappearance in a day or two.  But truthfully I had to loosen up.  I'm still upset about what my husband's parents said about me (they referred to me as "It") and I needed to let loose.  I don't do this often.  I think the last time was in August.  I don't have a drinking problem per se, but every now and then I drink more than I should.  I can have a beer or two at a time, and at my age, that's more than enough.  But tonight seemed special, so I added rum to my Diet Pepsi and drank away.

I don't usually drink much of anything.  We can't afford liquor and this was something I had bought a long time ago.  It's gone now so no more drinking from me.  If my husband gets income I might have an occasional glass of wine or a beer or two, but not for the purpose of getting drunk.  In my mind getting drunk is stupid.  You lose control of your faculties, and you get those annoying hangovers, more so since I'm 35 years old.  I'm too old to get drunk.  So again, why did I?  I guess I have unanswered issues that I need to address.  No, that's a lie.  I just wanted to feel the weight of the world lift off my shoulders.  I want to be free of my financial stressors and the fact that my in-laws think I'm nobody who should be treated with respect.  I'm having a difficult time being sued by one of our credit cards.  Yes that's true, though I haven't mentioned it yet.  We are being sued by one of our creditors.  Yikes.

So the bottom line kids, don't drink.  It turns you into a rambling person, not sure of hwo they want to proceed.

A Little Bit of Nostalgia

As I was listening to my playlist comprised of film scores, the song "Lothlorien" from the Lord of the Rings:  Fellowship of the Ring came on and it reminded me of how magical the experience of watching that movie for the first time.  My best friend, Shawn Boyle, dragged me to see it.  I hadn't so much as seen a preview for it, but I went, never having read the books.  I loved it.  That's an understatement.  I was so disappointed and outraged when the end credits rolled and I realized the movie was over and I would have to wait a year until The Two Towers.  I started reading the books and was halfway through the Two Towers when the movie came out.  I went to the midnight showing with my brother.  I loved it.  Totally worth not getting any sleep.  I finished the books very quickly after that.  For Return of the King I also went to the midnight showing.  I saw it 14 times in the theaters and cried every one of those times.

Now I'm just as into The Hunger Games, which I watch all the time.

I asked my grandparents to keep some old photos that they were going to shred.  I wanted to see pictures of them when they were younger. Nanny has informed me that they have put together a box for me.  I can't wait to see them.  I've always wondered what she looked like as a young woman.  The youngest picture I have of her is from 1975, at my parents' wedding.  She already had white hair then.
And of course the last few days I have been thinking about Caesar, my old family dog who passed away nearly 7 years ago.  It makes me sad when I think of how his last moments were, but he was surrounded by his loved ones when he went.  I try and remember the happy times I had with him, how he was such a good boy.  I miss him so much.  But one day I will be reunited with him.

A Weepy Woman

After the roller coaster of symptoms I experienced over the weekend, I am now quite weepy.  I'm not sure but I think I may be crashing.  Actually I don't feel all that depressed, just weepy.  Like stories I'm seeing on Facebook and the internet are making me cry.  I told my husband I loved him and that life with him was better than I had imagined love would be.  And that made me cry.  Talking about my cousin made me cry.  Now I know you're thinking, it's probably hormonal, and you might be right.  But I don't usually get hormonal, as I use an IUD which maintains my hormones.  

Assuming it's not hormonal, the thing that might cause this imbalance could be the same thing that caused my breakdown over the weekend.  I have been taking my medications religiously.  I have an alarm on my phone that goes off when it's time for my noontime medications, and I never forget my bedtime pills because without them I don't sleep.  

I haven't had anything to drink recently, and I don't do recreational drugs.  All this is pointless because I'm not a doctor and I'm not going to figure this out.  I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in two weeks and therapy in one.  

An Amazing Person

I know a truly amazing person.  She is a vegan (except for free range eggs) and cares deeply about animals.  She has two cats, Destiny and Clinton who are her fur babies.  This woman is a big supporter of Hillary Clinton and believes in equality for all.  She helps support people where she can.  Today she brought tears to my eyes when she bought a person a coffee and tried to buy him a sandwich.

She lives in Santa Cruz, where her heart belongs.  The cool wet air, next to the ocean, which she loves.  She plays Playstation and video games.  She is that cool.  She was my client for my first professional painting job.  I am proud to have her as my second cousin.  I am proud to know her even if it's only through Facebook.  RM, I love you!

Creative Rut

I'm stuck.  I'm in a creative rut.  I want to paint but am uninspired, and I want tot write only I have writer's block.  I'm on page 35, over 20,000 words written.  I'm making progress but it's slow going.  I opened the file, read the last few pages, and couldn't decide where I wanted to go next.  Even now as my mind wanders from this blog post to my story, I have nothing.  I know where the overall story is going, but I need a short term story line.  Ugh.

And as for what I want to paint, I haven't the foggiest.  Last time I wanted to paint an elephant because I had Mali on my mind.  Right now I have nothing on my mind, not even colors.  I thought about painting an abstract, but even I don't know where I want to start.  Let the Art flow...  Right?

I have to make dinner soon.  Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo with a side of bread.  Something simple.

My husband watched Silver Linings Playbook, and is now watching Joe Dirt.  I love Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper, and I want to see the movie.  He watched it on his computer though, that and I am not in the mood to watch a movie.  Lack of attention span.  My husband has recently been diagnosed with ADHD.  I was diagnosed 15 years ago.  He wonders why I'm not on meds for it.  I pointed out that I'm on so many meds it would probably kill me.

I follow Jackson Galaxy, the guy from My Cat From Hell, on Facebook, and his site posts rescue stories.  I like to read them because they give me a warm fuzzy feeling.  I can't wait for the day when I can adopt a kitty of my own.  I was thinking about getting a puppy but I'm not sure I could handle taking it for walks in the frigid cold of winter.  And I have no backyard.  I'd paint a cat but I don't have any cat pictures I like.  And I just painted two cats for my client.

It's Cinqo De Mayo, my aunt-in-law's birthday and wedding anniversary, and my good friend's birthday.  A busy day.  He's getting married soon, but I can't go.  I can't afford to fly to LA so going for the weekend festivities are out of the question.  It makes me sad.  He and his Fiance came to my wedding, I would really like to go.  Oh well.  You can't always get what you want.

A Beautiful Tuesday

It truly is a lovely day here in New England.  It's a bit cloudy to be sure, but it's a nice temperature.  We went outside to wait for my husband's medical transportation ride and it turned out they came early and didn't wait.  So we missed the appointment.  I called and complained and the transportation company won't be paid and will even be fined.

It's very hot and humid in our apartment.  I'd open some windows but the screens are in such gross shape that the apartment would be full of bugs.  I have a fan going in the bedroom, which is where we spend most of our time.

As I think about this nice weather, I think about Spring and Rebirth.  I talked to my Aunt in Ottawa a week ago, and she was telling me all about how her garden had survived this crazy winter.  I don't think they reached any records there, but they get more snow than us on a regular basis so their record levels are higher.

I have to change my Bruins Calender to May.  Hang on....  Oh, it's Chris Kelly for May.  I hung the painting of Mali back over it.  I don't like Chris Kelly enough to stare at his face for a month.  Now if it was Zdeno Chara...

So on this beautiful day, I will cook dinner and do dishes.  Oh, I forgot to mention.  On Friday, while the cleaners were here, I was hanging a fly strip over the piggies cage, and I lost my balance.  I fell into the piggies cage.  Fortunately I didn't land on any of them, but I bent the cage a little.  And I'm all bruised, but I'm okay other than that.  I need to be more careful!

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

The Storm Has Passed

The voices have stopped.  That's the big thing.  It occurs to me that the voices sound like my "friend" Gary.  I talk to him every week and every week he calls me lazy, fat, etc.  It wasn't his voice I heard, but it was some of the similar things being said.  I also hear, "You married it" over and over.  That's what my in laws said to my husband.  They called me "it".  And how I'm useless because I'm mentally ill.  They're not very nice people.

The extra meds to make the voices go away, however, have left me in a fog.  I had to go to the bank to get the bank check for the rent today and then on to Walmart in the never-ending hunt for Ritalin, and I felt foggy and weak and out of it.  As for the Ritalin, we checked 3 pharmacies to see if they had any in stock and none of them did.  Fortunately I found a pharmacy at the doctors' office where we have to go tomorrow anyway, who had an ample supply.  Hopefully they still do tomorrow.

That's right.  My husband has been diagnosed with ADD, along with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD.  Between the two of us I'm surprised we can even function.

Being Mentally Ill sucks.  People, even your own family, don't understand what it's like.  It's a disease, just like Diabetes.  There are treatments but it never goes away.  And you can't just shake it off.  When people say, "Just get over it", it makes me mad.  If someone has a broken leg, you don't just say, "Get up and walk on it."  The stigma associated with mental illnesses is offensive and ridiculous.  I hope with proper education, everyone may be a sympathetic friend to those in need.

Make the Voices Stop

I've said this before, I'll say it again.  I'm Bipolar.  With my form of Bipolar, I experience Magical Thinking, Distorted Thinking, and Hallucinations.  Not always, and if I'm on my meds, very rarely.  Unfortunately the last week has been one of those times.  I'm not 100% out of the clear yet either, but the last few nights I've experienced voices yelling at me.  Calling me stupid.  Putting me down in any way possible.  Now I was lucky.  They did not turn into Command Hallucinations which require hospitalization.  Command Hallucinations are when the voices are telling you to hurt either yourself or someone else, or are telling you to do something else negative.  I called my doctor's office, spoke with the Psychiatrist on call, and came up with a plan, adjusting my medicines enough to counteract the frightening voices.

My Magical Thinking consists of believing I can control traffic lights or which song will play next or which picture will come up next on my screensaver.  My Distorted Thinking is that I believe someone will break in and kill me.  I hear them coming in to the apartment.  I see their flashlights.  It's very real.  Only it's not.  They are not there.

Psychosis is nothing to take lightly.  It can be so frightening you will do anything to make it stop.  My husband had to spend the last two nights holding me so that I wouldn't do something stupid.  Not holding me down, just holding me in a loving kind of way, until I was finally able to fall asleep.  Sleep did not come easily either.  I have not been tired and have not been able to sleep much the last week.  I slept all day today so I'm hoping that will change, but after the Mania, comes the crash.  The horrible depression that can swallow you whole.  If you know deep depression you know what I'm talking about.

As I write these words I wonder what you will think of me.  Please do not be so quick to judge.  I am not crazy, I just have an illness.  It needs to be treated like any other illness.  I take medicines and go to group and individual therapy.  I will not let my condition ruin my life, as I had let it for so many years.  I'm going to live life to the fullest.