DBT Skills And A Haircut

I used my DBT skills in a dream I had a few nights ago.  I dreamed that someone told me my mother died, and I was in a mall, so I began shoving people out of the way angrily and tearing down the escalator to jump into a fountain.  A DBT skill for when you're at the moment of crisis when you just can't handle your feelings, is to stick your face in cold water for 30 seconds.  Sounds weird, right?  Well, it works.  Something to do with making your body thinking you're drowning and it physically calms you down.  I was all set to share my dream with my DBT group, until my medical transportation company couldn't get their act together and get me to my group.  I will have to wait until next week to share.

Today I cut my hair off.  To explain why would sound crazy, so I won't try and explain.  Suffice it to say, I had black and gold hair a year and a half ago to support the Bruins, which in fact, only cursed them because they sucked after I did it.  I haven't dyed it in a year, so I had about 5 inches of silver and the rest was faded black and blond, about 10 inches of it. So I cut off all the hair dye.  My husband was not amused.  The plan had been to grow it out until it reached my waist.  But I had to do it.  Again, I can't explain the rationale without coming across as "crazy", so I won't try.  My mother is going to even it out next time I see her in a few weeks.

I had individual therapy today.  It was a good session.  Talked about loose ends not being tied up.

I lsiten to music 24/7 while I'm home.  Not sure if I've already shared that.  I can't not have music playing.  I have a Jenn's Greatest Hits Playlist in iTunes that is literally over 1.2 days long.  Distraction is a DBT skill.  Music helps keep me sane.  It drives my husband insane, but he bears it with patience and love.  I also now have 2 candles burning during the day. One is Evergreen Spruce, and the other is Pumpkin Spice.  I get the generic (cheap) candles at Walmart.  That DBT skill is called Self-soothing.

I feel like I should send the link for this blog to the Psychologist who runs my DBT group.  He would be thrilled to know I am using my skills.

Here's a picture of my long hair prior to being cut, and a picture of it post-hack.  I might add, I am only 35.  Gray/white hair is genetic.  I expcet to be completely white-haired in 5 years, just like my grandmother.

#PrayForParis #PrayForPeace

Even one death is too many.  Now they are reporting over 150.  It is terrifying, but that's the point isn't it?  The terrorists are trying to create terror by definition.  I pray for those in Paris, for those souls lost, and for those families affected.

So now what?  Does France join in the War on ISIS?  First they will have to determine it was in fact ISIS who carried out these attacks.  In fact, France could already be involved in the War on ISIS, I don't follow along in International Affairs as much as I should.

All I do know is that Twitter and Facebook, and I'm assuming all social media, has lit up with supportive words for Paris.  The Red Cross has a link set up to raise money to help those affected.  Facebook has activated their Safety Check App for France.  Twitter is using the hashtag #PorteOuverte to help people find shelter from the streets.  People are tweeting the phone numbers of embassies.

But people need to remember, that what this will lead to should be a war on Terrorism and not on Islam.  Many Muslims believe in peace.  Not in the same radical ideals that these terrorists believe in, which make many Americans believe is the face of Islam.  A few weeks ago, in Burlington, MA, a Boston suburb not too far from where I live, two teenagers vandalized a Mosque.  Instead of coming out and condemning the attacks, the leaders of this Islamic religious center invited people of all faiths and backgrounds to come and paint positive messages on the building.  Messages of peace.  I might not have the details of the story, but that's the general idea.  And yet these two 18 year olds will not be charged with a hate crime.  I think that is the crime.

What do we do in a time of Terror?  We hold those we love close to us and tell them we love them.  We pray for those in the line of fire and those affected.  We offer support where we can.

Self-Doubt Cannot Win

The trick is to not internalize.

My day started out okay.  I had DBT group this morning, bright and early.  I found out that a member of my group, who also has a blog, has 8,000 followers!  Holy shit!  She is like 15 years younger than me, and also write about mental illness amonst other things.  How did she get such a following?  I want to ask her?  Damn, I want to read her blog, but I don't know her last name, or even how to spell her first name.

Next was coffee with my father at Dunkin Donuts.  We talked about my Mental illness and symptoms.  He asked me a lot of questions as though he didn't believe my diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder.  He thought that my hallucinations might be dreams.  I adamantly insisted they were not, nor were they tricks of light.  They are very real and terrifying.  I gave an example of a psychotic delusion I had as a child, and he just said that could be the result of a weird child.  Sigh.  I pointed out that was one of many, and I was only willing to give one example at that time.

I also told him I didn't think my grandfather liked me.  Everytime I call, he hands the phone off to my grandfather.  Every time I see him, he asks when I'm going to go back to work.  Last time I attempted to work, I was convinced the customers were sent by the government to push me to the limit so I would crack and they would lock me up again.  I vomited in front of customers because I was so anxious.  My dad explained that I present as "normal", which is why people are easily confused that I suffer from mental illness.  I explained that I spent my whole life desperately trying to fit in and appear normal so that I wouldn't stand out.  None of my other friends would run away and hide behind bushes every time a car or pedestrian passed by the house, so I learned to stop doing it, even though in my head I would be terrified that I was about to be murdered.

I think I reached some kind of understanding with my father.

I came home and did some writing.  I spent some time talking to people on Facebook.  I wrote some emails.

Then I was filled with Self-doubt.  I don't know where it came from.  A combination of things.  An email I got, I internalized too much, my Facebook notifications weren't working and I thought no one was "liking" my pictures that I shared about Veteran's Day.  It turned out that Chrome was having a seizure so I closed it and reopened it and I had 8 notifications waiting for me.

I feel better now.  I just need to remember not to internalize everything.  It's hard to remember that I am not that important, which is hard, because of some of my more paranoid delusions.

Anyway, I want to conclude this post by saying thank you to all the Veteran's of all the wars, who fought for this country, and who fought for the Allies in the World Wars, which included my family.  I can't thank you enough for your bravery.  Without you I would have no freedom.

Baby Steps

7 Weeks ago, I fell to pieces.  My therapist and my psychiatrist wanted me to do a Partial Hospitalization Program.  I resisted with all my might.  Eventually they told me either I did the Program or they were going to Section 12 me (force me in-patient).  I agreed to do the Program.

I wasn't sure how on earth I was going to commit to getting up every morning and stying in groups for apporoximately 5 hours every day.  I have agoraphobia and sometimes the idea of leaving the apartment is just terrifying.  But I did it.  And over the last 3 weeks, I've had structure and socialization.

Today I graduated from the Program.  Now I am trying to get into a Day Program in Downtown Lowell.  I think this Program lasts 4-6 weeks.  I want to keep the structure and socialization going.  Then I want to start volunteering somewhere.  Maybe just a few hours at first, but slowly building up to a few hours a day several times a week.

It seemed impossible to commit to one day.  Now I'm thinking about giving my life some meaning again.  But I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.  Take it one day at a time.  Baby Steps.

"I have survived 100% of my worst days"

I learned a lot in the program, but I'm not going to write about it because of the Anonymity and confidentiality of the Program.