When You Can't Go Back

You've come too far, there's no turning back.  You can't stray from your road no matter how much you may want to.  It's time to let go.  Like Frodo said as he entered Shelob's Cave, "I can't go back."

The wheels are in motion.  It may hurt for awhile, but in the end it must be this way.  "It is the only way."

I have done all I can do.  If you love something, then set it free.

Sometimes There Are No Words

I have to do something on Monday.  I feel it is time.  I am looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.  I have had a tumultuous couple of weeks and they are finally coming to a close.  I have realized that someone whom I thought was bad is actually good, and someone I've looked up to for a very long time, is actually quite toxic.  It's time I said goodbye to both.

I saw my mother today.  She brought us pet food and took us grocery shopping.  She also brought me something that I asked for, something I haven't seen in about 6 years.

In my Freshman year of High School I took Art.  One of the projects was to take a block of clay and turn it into a head.  While everyone else was making aliens and monsters, I just made a man's head.  I made him crying.  Then I hollowed out the inside, and the art teacher put it in the oven for firing.  A few weeks later we got them back and I painted my man purple, except for a single silver tear escaping his left eye.  It has survived these 20 years, and I hope it survives the next 20.

A few years after I made the purple head, I made two more clay heads on my own.  I made a bust og Garak, the Cardassian from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and a Ferengi.  I couldn't fire them in an oven, so I let them air dry.  Eventually I painted the Ferengi.  They only lasted about 6 years before they were knocked off a wobbly bookcase and shattered on the floor.  One day perhaps I will recreate them.

Love Our Wedding Photos!

We were so lucky when it came to our wedding pictures.  We had a great photographer to start with, but the timing was just amazing.  The big day was October 30th 2010, when there were no hurricanes and no blizzards.  There were still leaves on the trees but some leaves on the ground to make a pretty carpet.  We took our pictures on the Waltham City Common and I am very happy how they came out.  Here's a small sample.

My God, It's 2am Already

Where has the time gone?  My husband and I have had a long day and I would have thought we'd have gone to bed early.  Yet both of us are still awake and on our computers.  I have taken my nighttime meds and can feel them kicking in, so I will be going to bed shortly.

I have a lot on my mind.  My grandmother is giving away her belongings, bit by bit.  Last time it was her photographs.  This time it was valuable family heirlooms.  She told me I could sell them but I told her that I wanted to keep them.  It makes me sad to think that she feels like she's near the end of her life.  She is 94, and I know she's tired.  But she and I are close and I'm a selfish creature.  I don't want her to suffer (I don't think she is) but at the same time, I don't want her to go yet either.

My computer is running especially slow.  I'm not sure why as I freed up about 20GB on it in preparation for Windows 10, which I still have not received.  I cannot get a new computer this year like I planned either, because I have to pay old excise tax that I forgot about, before I can renew my license, which needs to be renewed in January.  So there goes all my Christmas and Birthday money.
I updated my LinkedIn Profile to include a sample of my artwork.  I had to edit out the really crappy ones and the ones of people with no clothes on.  Oh well.

Time for bed.

Moving On

I share too much.  On this blog.  On the phone.  In person.  On Facebook.  I can't seem to help it, it's like I have poor judgment.  But it's almost always about myself.  When I do share things about other people, I don't mention names.  I try to mention names on this blog anyway because it's public.  I wish I hadn't set it up so my real name was attached to it, but I can't figure out how to change it without disconnecting it to my google account.

I'm learning about my past and myself this week.  I'm finally getting answers to questions I've had for 20 years.  I will finally be able to begin the healing process.  I've been hurting over something that happened when I was a teenager, and I have got to move past this, because no matter how hard I've tried, I haven't been successful in letting go.

My husband had surgery on Monday.  He had his gall bladder removed.  The surgeon said in addition to having gall stones, the gall bladder was really inflamed and ot was a good thing he had it out when he did.  It has been causing him pain for months now, and his first attack was over two years ago.  Until yesterday, he was in a huge amount of pain.  Today he is doing much better.

Gluten Free

I have been feeling depressed the last week (see yesterday's post) and today I just felt like my professional supports are against me.  I know that's just the depression talking, so I'm trying to move on from that feeling.

My PCP wants me to try a Gluten Free diet.  She said at this point, it's worth a try.  I will have to wait until next month to start though, because I have spent most of our Food Stamp money for the month on regular groceries.  I will miss a lot of my favorite foods, but if it works, my digestive system will be happier.  It's worth a try.

Depression Hurts

The funny thing about depression, it sneaks up on you and before you know it, you're over your head.  I've been having a lot of trouble with my sleep patterns which is wreaking havoc on my ability to take medications on time, and my mental state.  Some nights I sleep too long, other nights I only get a few hours of sleep.  So I'm trying to go to bed early every day, and waking up early every day.  I have to be up early a few times a week for appointments so it's easier to maintain consistency if I do it this way.

But now I just feel lousy.  My husband's surgery is only a few days away, and while I know it is routine with low risk, it still gives me some anxiety.  But that's not the worst of it.  I just feel lost.  Like I have fallen off the path of life.  Forgotten, alone.

All people get down, but not everyone knows what it's like to have depression take over.  I have some friends who don't understand mental illness at all.  One friend went through a depression during his divorce, but he still understands nothing about it.  It's hard when people tell me to get up and get a job.  Or even volunteer somewhere.  It seems like such a monumental task.  Impossible even.

I'm not lazy.  But I get called lazy.

Life is hard.  I get that.  And I know this feeling will pass and I will feel normal again.  At least, as normal as I ever feel.  I just really need support right now.  I have professional supports in place, but I've lost touch with so many of my social supports.

3:00 AM Labor Day Musings

It is a little after 3:00 am on Labor Day.  I think about many things on this cool morning.  A heat wave is coming in a day, I'll have to keep a close watch on the piggies.  I don't like the heat.  I prefer the cool of Autumn.  I don't even mind Winter so much, as long as I'm not waiting at the bus stop for over an hour as I did last Winter.  I'm looking forward to wearing my sweater dresses again.

I'm thinking about Eliot, the kitten that the Wheaton's were fostering but decided to keep.  Such a cute and affectionate kitten.  One of the people in my guinea pig Facebook group just got a new kitten and shared a picture of her guinea pig licking the kitten.  I don't need any more pets, but I like to imagine getting a kitten or a dog to cuddle.  My guinea pigs are good to cuddle with and they are very therapeutic to hold.  Penny, Bernie, and Amy are almost 4 years old.  I hope they have a lot of life left in them.

Life is so precious.  I think everyone deserves some shot at happiness.  It makes me sad to think about how lonely my husband's life was before we met.  I was lonely and I had a few close friends and many friends.  I was missing something.  Something I found when I fell in love with my husband.  I wish everyone could find that something.

I hate Labor Day sales.  No one should have to work on Labor Day.  Especially those who work in retail.  It's like the stores that open on Thanksgiving so people can shop Black Thursday sales.  It just doesn't seem right.

Soon it will be hockey season again.  I hope against hope that this new Bruins team will be up to the challenge.

The Misadventures of Visiting The Doctor Part 1,075

Why is going to the doctor's office so hard?

I have to go to my doctor's office, which is a huge office building with 35 specialties housed inside, at least 3 times every week.  I have Individual Therapy, Group DBT Therapy, and Physical Therapy for my knee.  I also have appointments with my psychopharmacologist every 4 weeks or so.  I see my Orthopedist every 6 weeks, which will be changing.  And I have other appointments as they come up.

My Physical Therapy for my knee is going nowhere.  My muscles are strong but the pain persists.  So I saw my Orthopedist on Wednesday and she ordered an MRI and set me up with an Ortho surgeon.  Not that I will have to have surgery, but because he is a specialist.  After I saw my Orthopedist, I had PT, but she said that there was no point in continuing until we had the results of the MRI.  So I managed to schedule the MRI for Tuesday.  I have a condition in my knee where the knee cap doesn't sit on the knee where it's supposed to.  It's supposed to be fixed by strengthening the muscles in the thigh, which I have done.

On Wednesday I had DBT, Ortho appointment, and PT, like I said.  I showed up for DBT and there was a meeting going on in the conference room.  When the therapist who runs DBT showed up and told them that we had the room, they claimed it wasn't booked, to which he responded it was booked every Wednesday.  So we had to go to a different conference room as they had entrenched themselves.  DBT ran 3 minutes late.  I rush down to Orthopedics to discover that they had taken the person whose appointment was after mine, before me.  I was like WTH, I have PT at 10.  She finally comes in at 10, examines me, orders an MRI, and sends me to PT where I've missed half the appointment.  Grrr.

Come on people, it's all the same company, with all the same computer programs and scheduling system.

It wouldn't be so bad if I had my own car, but I have to have at least 24 hours notice of a doctor's appointment to set up medical transportation.  If I wake up with a fever of 103F, amongst other symptoms, I can't just go to the doctor's office.  I have to wait a day. Or call 911 and go to the ER.