Burning of the Soul

I haven't written in almost a month.  I was doing really well, and everything seemed to be going fine, and then I fell apart again.

You see, guinea pigs are expensive.  6 guinea pigs cost about $250 a month to feed when you add up the hay, pellets, and fresh veggies they need.  We couldn't afford that anymore.  So we made the difficult decision to give them up.  That's when I fell apart again.  I told my therapist, I can't keep having psychotic breakdowns everytime something bad happens in life.  That's no way to live. 

We gave the guinea pigs up to one of the best adoption centers in the Northeastern US.  Within 2 days all 6 girls had been adopted.  I have mixed feelings.  I am glad that they will have the nutrition that they need.  I am glad they will have someone to love them the way I couldn't when I got depressed.  I'm glad they will have someone to clean out their cages instead of me who could just not keep up.  I am also relieved that I no longer have that responsibility.  But I am broken-hearted.  I loved them, all 6 of them, with their own individual personalities.  My husband and I have cried on and off for weeks.

But the truth is, we had to stop being selfish, and do what was in their best interest. 

Now I don't know where I'm at.  I'm feeling depressed for sure.  But I'm not sleeping.  I have nightmares and stress dreams.  I am awake or half awake most of the night.  Then during the day I can barely keep my eyes open.  I am still having hallucinations, though they aren't as bad as before.  A few weeks ago, I heard the Devil singing Christmas Carols on the way home from a brunch with my in-laws. 

Today, I felt like painting.  But I didn't want to paint a landscape, or a happy picture.  I painted a self-portrait, with fire for hair, and blood for tears, pouring down my face.  Am I in danger?  No.  Am I sad?  Yes.  But I am not going to hurt myself.  I have expressed my pain creatively.  I perhaps have scared all my friends, but they will soon forget about the strange painting their strange friend did.  They always do. 

There is so much going on.  I don't know how I can present as "normal" when my mind feels like it's tearing itself apart at times.  I have found some good distractions.  I saw Star Wars.  I'm reading Carrie Fisher's book Shockaholic.  I am going to read some of Wil Wheaton;s work, and Jenny Lawson's book Furiously Happy, next. 

I will be okay.  That's the important thing.  I am sad now, and as much as I hate the saying (I want to punch the people who say it), this will pass. 

I have survived 100% of my worst days. 

Symptoms Vs Side Effects, the Pros and Cons of Latuda

I have finally found a pill that takes away the night terrors, the delusions, tames the magical thinking, makes me more aware that my thoughts are just altered because of my illness, not that they are real and everyone is out to get me.  I am not so afraid of the dark.  The magic pill is called Latuda.  The magic dosage is 120mg.

But.  There's always a but.  I can't drink.  Well that's nothing new, I can't drink with most of my other pills.  I am sleepy or drowsy 24/7.  If I lay down I will be asleep in 5 minutes.  Answer to that?  Don't lie down.  I gained weight.  This is perhaps because I have to eat 350 calories with my Lautda dose.  That's not much in the grand scheme of things, but my appetite overall has increased.  Ugh.  Answer to that?  Exercise more. 

The answers may sound simple, but well, frankly, aren't.  I can go without drinking for the most part.  I cheat every now and then, which causes me terrible anxiety that I'm going to die in my sleep, so I don't sleep.  Hmmm....  Being sleepy all the time is a problem because I fall asleep a lot.  I also sleep well at night, so if I nap in the day, it's not keeping me up at night.  I fall asleep in the car on the way to and from doctor's appointments (don't worry I am not driving).  But I find if I have to be out and doing something to focus my energy on, like errands, I can do them.  So while I'm not sure I could hold a 40 hour a week job, it seems probable now, not impossible. 

And then there's eating.  Latuda itself does not cause weight gain.  But if you don't take it with 350 calories or more, it doesn't get absorbed properly and I get nauseous.  It's amazing how few doctor's know this, and I have to educate them.  Like when they put me on a liquid diet and I'm like, "Excuse me...but how do I get 350 calories on a liquid diet once a day?"  So why am I gaining weight?  I think it makes me hungrier.  And I think I'm eating more than 350 calories with it, because I'm afraid of getting nauseated.  I haven't gained a huge amount, but enough for me to keep an eye on.

So exercise more.  Ugh.  There are about 1,000,000 reasons to do it, and I have about 500 excuses not to.  I'm not going to list them.  Everyone tells me to exercise more.  I just have to suck it up and do it. 

So cost vs benefit analysis.  Do I want to live in fear, or do I want to live with side effects? 

I'm going to go with the side effects.  Unless I get Type 2 diebetes or high blood pressure that can't be treated, I'm staying with the 120mg of Latuda.