Poor Cecil The Lion, Tom Brady, and Welcome Windows 10

If you haven't heard about Cecil the lion then you must not have been on the internet today.  Cecil, Zimbabwe's beloved lion, was killed by a dentist from Minnesota.  He was lured out of his protected sanctuary and shot and killed by a bow and arrow.  The dentist paid $55,000 to do this.  I don't get it.  I just don't understand how killing animals just for trophies is "fun".  I eat meat, I confess, and I wish cow's were treated humanely before being slaughtered, but it's a whole other thing to kill endangered species just to mount it's head on your wall.  It just makes me so angry and so full of rage!

Tom Brady of the New England Patriots had his suspension upheld.  4 games.  I find that excessive.  I don't care if he did destroy the phone, the whole thing is ridiculous.  Of course the rest of the country is cheering.  They HATE Tom Brady and the Patriots.  Which brings me to another point.  Why does the country (and Canada for that matter) hate all the Boston teams so much?  The Bruins are hated everywhere they go.  My best guess would be because of the fans.  The Boston/New England fans are so intense and loyal to a fault.

I am eagerly awaiting Windows 10.  I don't know if the roll-out will begin at midnight or not, but I am excited for it.  I have been running Windows 7 since I got this laptop 3 years ago.  My hard drive is full, the screen is scratched, and it is slow as molasses.  I'm thinking about saving all my Christmas and Birthday money next year and buying another laptop.  One with a bigger hard drive.  This one is only 325GB.  For now I will settle for trying out Windows 10.

Goats, Typhoons, and Piggies!

I love my family.  They are pretty cool people.

My cousin Sarah, who just got married a few months ago, moved from Western Ontario out to middle-of-nowhere, Manitoba.  She and her new husband bought a lawn mower, a goat named John Deere.  How cool is that?  John Deere was lonely, so they got him a lady friend.  Jane Doe.  I eagerly await updates from them as they settle into country life.

My cousin Kenzie has spent the last month in South Korea and Japan with his girlfriend.  Of course they experienced lots of rain due to a series of typhoons, but they didn't let that get them down!  I look forward to pictures when they return.

I wish I could go on a fun adventure!  Once our financial situation is more stable, I will save up for a vacation.  A tour of Eastern Canada perhaps, visiting cousins, aunts, and uncles along the way.

Then of course there is my immediate family.  My six piggy children and 3 scaly children.  I held Bernie this afternoon and she just stayed happily on my chest.  She got off briefly, turned around, and ran inside my dress!  It made me laugh.

I Wish I Could Sing

I wish I could sing.  I love to sing.  And I really don't know how.  Not in a Jennifer-Lawrence-I-can't-sing-but-I-really-can kind of way.  When I was a little kid I had a nice voice and I guess I could sing, because I was always picked to sing in the solo quartet in school assemblies.  Then in 6th grade something happened.  I guess my voice deepened and I lost my sense of pitch, because we were rehearsing for an assembly when my music teacher stopped playing the piano and said in front of the entire class, "What is that awful croaking noise?!"  She meant me.  I sat down, emotionally wounded in ways that have still not healed to this day.

It took me years to sing in front of my friends.  And even then....

I would listen to music when I got home from school.  Showtunes mostly.  I would learn the music by heart and sing along.  If I did that I could mostly hit the notes.  I even learned how to hit the high soprano notes in Phantom of the Opera.  I'm not sure what my natural range is.  I think I'm an Alto, but in my falsetto I can sing higher.

I did perform once.  When I was 17, I was the Lighting Designer for The Fantastiks at a community theatre.  I wrote a Parody which was preformed by the crew at the final cast party.  I sang the parody of the female leads solo, which I did without thinking about, because it was a parody.  I got compliments and was told I should audition for a musical.  You see if I don't try maybe I can sing.  Maybe my big problem is nerves.  I doubt it.

My husband can't stand my singing.  He's the only one I sing in front of because he can't run away.  I know he'll love me regardless of how I sound.  Though often he will ask me to stop.

Maybe, one day, when I have money (in other words, never), I will take voice lessons.  Because I listen to music from dawn til dusk.  I love music.

@wilw and @annewheaton Are My Role Models

I love my celebrities.  Not the Kardashians, or Taylor Swift.  But people who use their fame and power for good.  Ricky Gervais, really genuinely cares about animals.  Stephen Fry cares about...  well let's face it, what DOESN'T Stephen Fry care about?  (Perhaps I might be giving him too much credit, but he has a ready opinion on just about everything).  But what I really look forward to seeing everyday, are the tweets and blog posts from Wil Wheaton.  Yes, the same Wil Wheaton from Star Trek The Next Generation and Stand By Me.  Maybe that's how I first became interested in him, but as I have followed him for the last ten years or so, I have discovered that he is so much more.

Wil Wheaton writes in a blog.  It is one of the original and best kept celebrity, or geek might be more appropriate, blogs out there.  He writes about all sorts of cool things, not all of which I'm into.  I don't play video games or tabletop games, it's true, but I think it's cool he's so passionate about them.  What really touches me are his honest descriptions of what it's like living with depression and anxiety.  He's very brave writing about it, and it has influenced me on my decision to be honest about my mental health struggles.  His wife, Anne Wheaton, is also super cool.  I follow her blog and tweets as well.  She likes to write embarrassing stories, and also sometimes about what it's like to be married to someone struggling with mental health issues.  I applaud this couple,  To me they are true role models.

I also love them to death because of their love for animals.  Anne Wheaton serves on the board for the Pasadena Humane Society, and gets to do a lot of cool things with them.  They have two dogs, and two cats, of which they share pictures on the interwebs.

And let's be honest.  Who doesn't love Wil Wheaton as Evil Wil Wheaton or Slightly Less Evil Wil Wheaton on The Big Bang Theory?  I loved that show from it's debut.  I was one of the first fans, and while I'm not quite up to date on this season's episodes, one of the truest fans, of this awesome television show.

So if by some freak chance either Anne or Wil reads this, I want to say, thank you, for just being so awesome!

Oh Hugh Laurie, I Think We Should Be Friends

Hugh Laurie, why do you tug at my heartstrings so?  At least, in my unconscious mind.

Last night I dreamed that I was living on a train that could go all over the world.  Oceans did not stop it.  It was a triple layer train and my family lived on all three floors of the first carriage.  When it went through London, I got off and asked the locals where I could find Stephen Fry.  They pointed me to a gay coffee house and I met one of his friends, which was really Stephen Fry in drag.  I told him, er, her, that I was a great fan of Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie and it would mean so much to me if I could meet them.  After drinking tea for a bit, this "friend" sent me to a neighborhood where I found Hugh Laurie's House.  His wife let me in, and they were genuinely excited to see me.  Hugh was entertaining as a host,

The next day I went back and Hugh was there without his wife.  He was babysitting his nephew.  After that I had to get back on the train.  My room on the train was now on a secret underground track, and I was left behind in a gas station in rural Nebraska.  I lived there for a few months, in exile, when I discovered a fax from Stephen Fry offering me a job to help on his new book.  I immediately made my way to an airport and got on a plane.  Hugh Laurie, his wife, and Stephen Fry were also on board.  I went to the front where there were changing areas and put on a pretty pink floral dress, while Hugh confessed to his wife that he was really in love with me.  He then joined me in the front of the plane.  At this point, I woke up.

The truth of the matter is, I am very much in love with my husband.  Hugh Laurie is very much in love with his wife.  Yet in my unconscious mind, we are very much in love.  Sigh.  He is handsome, talented, funny, sexy, and romantic.  I love his song, Let Them Talk, which I'm sure is about his wife.  I sometimes wish my husband would write love songs/poetry about our love.

At any rate, I would love to be friends with Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie.  Not in this lifetime I fear.

Oh The Things Brains Do!

The last week has been pretty weird.  My last post was about 6 or 7 different topics, and my post before that was about some of the celebrity filled vivid dreams I've been having.  After I had those dreams, I couldn't sleep.  Out of the last 6 nights, I've slept 2 of them.  My mind has been racing and I can't stop moving.  I mentioned this to my therapist on Monday and she agreed we would need to watch it closely.  But by the time my DBT group rolled around yesterday, it was clear, I was going manic.  After the group, I had an appointment with Orthopedics, at which I had another cortisone injection into the knee.  Then I went back up to the Behavioral Health department and asked to see my psycho-pharmacologist.  She was on vacation.  Drat.  So I explained what was going on and they set me up with one of her colleagues.  She listened to me and then gave me a new medication to take for 5 days, so I can sleep and reduce the amount of dopamine in my brain.

That was yesterday.

Today I feel a little better having gotten about 5 hours of sleep.  I went in today for my Neurology appointment which I've had scheduled for over 2 months.  It was to address the increase in migraines as well as the vertigo I've been feeling.  She put me on Topamax.

I am going to be a zombie tomorrow morning when the cleaners arrive.

I've also had some unfortunate, but not unexpected, side effects from my knee injection.  Before the injection, my pain level ranged from a 3-5.  After the lidocaine in the shot wore off, my pain level was a 9.  I took Tylenol and Ibuprofen, iced and elevated it, yet I could not bend it too far or straighten it.  Today the pain isn't quite as bad, but I still can't straighten it.  I'm told all this is normal and to wait it out.

I wish these things did not happen.  Mania, Migraines, etc.  I will take my medications as prescribed and hope for the best.

My Hero, Stephen Fry

I have been up for 36 straight hours now.  I'm not tired.  I think I'm hypomanic.  My thoughts are going fast and my attention is very poor.  All I can manage to do is read Twitter and Facebook updates while listening to music.  When I get like this I think of Stephen Fry who is also Bipolar.  He's one of my heroes.  I saw him speak a few years ago.  I wrote a blog post about it called "A Night With Stephen Fry", if you care to look it up.  He's a British National Treasure.  It seems there's nothing he can't do.  He did a documentary on Bipolar which I watched in 6 parts on YouTube.  It was cool and moving.  I loved his work in A Bit Of Fry And Laurie, and in Blackadder as well.  I wish him all the best with his new husband.

After two visits by Comcast Techs, our internet is still intermittent.  Sometimes it's fine for hours at a time, but then it goes out 3 times in an hour.  Tomorrow I'll call them yet again.

I downloaded some music by Beecake, Billy Boyd's band, and some of Hugh Laurie's album Let Them Talk.  So far I like what I'm hearing.

My niece broke her wrist last night and had surgery this morning.  It seems she's been a real trooper.  She ended up with a full arm cast covered in paw prints.

I haven't watched any of the Hunger Games movies in a month.  I'm thinking I might watch one later this week.  Though I should really be watching Game of Thrones.  I'm only halfway through Season 1, but I had to stop because it was giving me vivid nightmares.

I miss hockey and can't wait for October to arrive.  I pray this new Bruins team is a winning team.  It seems unlikely but one can hope.  I have to watch the games on the internet now since we don't have cable anymore.  It's going to be harder to watch on the tiny popup window instead of a 42" screen.  But it's better than not watching it at all.

Here's Stephen Fry, signing books after he received an award for Humanism.

A Viral Post?

I couldn't sleep last night.  I lay in bed listening to music for 3 hours.  Then I lay in bed without music for another 2.  Finally I pulled my computer out and have been fooling around on it ever since.  My blog post from last night took an unexpected turn.  It appears one of Tom Felton's fansites took my blog post from twitter and pasted it onto their page.  I can't imagine why.  Maybe the administrator for the page thought it was humorous.  I'd hate to think what Hugh Laurie, Craig Ferguson, or Tom Felton would think if they read it.

Well I hope whoever does read it gets a kick out of my crazy dreams.

Hugh Laurie, Craig Ferguson, and Tom Felton Invade My Slumber

I have vivid dreams almost every night.  Sometimes I have romantic (not usually sexual) dreams about celebrities.  I wake up completely in love with said celebrity, until I remember I'm in love with my husband.

Two nights I dreamed my sister lived on top of a hill in Winthrop.  Simon Helberg from The Big Bang Theory was there.  I told him I was lonely.  A few minutes later, Hugh Laurie shows up, and apparently we already know each other (maybe we're friends?) and he puts his arms around me and tells me he's going to escort me home to Arlington.  (I haven't lived in Arlington for 6 years) We start walking to the T station and he walks with his arm around me.  We finally find the T station and get on a train that will get us to Alewife Station.  We board the blue line train and he hides his head on my chest so no one will recognize him.  I hold him close and then...  The Cleaner wakes me up to sign his Timesheet.  Grrrrr....

I fall back asleep a few minutes later and Hugh and I are strolling through Lexington Center, hand in hand.  We come to a mall where apparently I am living in a shop.  My guinea pigs greet me inside but I am interrupted by the manager of the mall who informs me that I can't live there anymore,  Hugh and I begin to look online for a 3 bedroom condo in Boston, and I tell him we ought to get a grand piano for him to play on.  He disappears and when I go to follow him, a woman tells me that he's gone to the Zoo and doesn't want to see me anymore.  I run to the movie theater in this mall where they are playing a movie call The Zoo.  I find him inside and ask what I did wrong.  He tells me that I'm a gold-digger and that I want the piano for me,  I start crying, begging him to take me back.  I tell him the piano was for him not me.  He turns me away.

As I am leaving the movie theater a man grabs me and sticks a gun in my side.  He pulls me to the Amtrak station where he has to stop because of the metal detectors,  He instructs me to get on the train, turn left, and follow the blue stripe until it disappears.  He gets on the train one car ahead.  I get off near the corner of Boston Common where a police man asks me if I'm alright.  I know the kidnapper is close behind so I say I'm fine.  I walk into a forest as branches scratch my face.  Meanwhile the police are showing Hugh Laurie footage of me on the train.  I make it through the trees where I find a suburban neighborhood.  I head for the first house as the kidnapper comes up behind me,  He is taking selfies on the front lawn when the door opens and a police detective pulls me inside.  I find Hugh sitting in an armchair reading a newspaper.  He falls out of the chair when he sees me and starts sobbing, begging me to forgive him.  There is gunfire and both of us are shot.  As we lie in pools of our own blood I hear sirens,  Then I wake up.

Then last night I dreamed I was back in High School.  Craig Ferguson was my History Teacher, and he told me I would have to do 2 months worth of catchup work in order not to fail, since I had skipped his class for most of the year, even though it was my favorite,  I start walking home and I run into Emma Watson who is swimming in the water that has suddenly appeared,  I hand her my Millennium beach towel and keep going.  I round the corner and there is Tom Felton torturing some Kindergarten kids with a leaf blower.  I yell at him to put it down and he and his friends bolt.  The kids chase after him.  I go into a house and he follows me inside begging me to hide him.  I do and he asks me to hang out.

I'm not sure what prompts these dreams, but they are kind of fun.

The Future Is Looking Brighter

I have been in a downward spiral the last week and a half, mostly because I reversed my sleep schedule and missed a week's worth of antidepressants, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers.  I have righted the situation and have been fully medicated for almost a week.  But up until today I was a wreck.  I was crying, I mouthed off to my uncle publicly on Facebook, and I didn't do any housework.  It doesn't help that my therapist is on vacation this week, but I made arrangements to meet with my case manager on Wednesday.  So that's good.

I had a good Physical Therapy session today.  Then I went with my husband into Lowell to apply for a job (for him), and we walked back part of the way, enjoying the fine weather.  I cooked myself Teriyaki Tofu Stirfry, although I ate all of it which probably wasn't the brightest idea.

Tomorrow one of my friends is coming by to keep me company while I do housework, then she will; stay for dinner.

I stared reading Game of Thrones Saturday night, and ended up in a Game of Thrones nightmare.  Yesterday I watched the firs 5 episodes of Season 1 Game of Thrones.  Again, I dreamed Game of Thrones nightmares.  I'm going to take today off from reading or watching that series.

Don Sweeney, the new GM of the Boston Bruins, has completely rebuilt the team.  Over half the original team is gone and now there are a bunch of rookies with some experienced newbies.  I'm not sure what to make of it.  I'll miss Milan Lucic, even though he had a temper.  Wil Wheaton doesn't like him and doesn't like the fact that he's now an LA King.  We'll have to wait and see what this season holds.

Contemplating Leaving Facebook

While Facebook has been a good way to keep in touch with friends, family, and acquaintances, I am tired of feeling bad over it.  People almost never comment or even like my posts.  Meanwhile I see all my friends get tons of likes and at least a few comments on just about everything they post.  I know I don't have many friends, but it's nice when someone acknowledges my post.

I don't like how I don't hear from some people for years and when they finally write something, it's telling me I'm doing something wrong.  I feel very unpopular.  Like no one cares about me enough to read my posts.  I admit my depression has taken hold and I'm probably overreacting to the two events that have happened in the last 24 hours.  I just want to feel loved.  Is that too much to ask?

So if I do leave Facebook, and you want to reach me, you will either have to call or email.  I'm sure I will miss your birthday, and I have no doubt that no one will remember mine.