Is 5 Years A Lot These Days?

Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary.  It is my first marriage, and really my first long term relationship.  But I'm not sure that's the norm these days.  I know some of my High School classmates are like me and waited until their 30's to get married, so they too are in the early years of marriage.  Then there are some High School Classmates who have married and are divorced, but I think there aren't many of those.  And there are more still who married in their 20's, have children, but have experienced the "downs" in the ups and downs of marriage.  Not to say they aren't good marriages, just normal marriages.

I haven't, in my 5 years, experienced the "downs" of a marriage yet.  We're still in the newlywed "marriage is great!" stage.  Sure we argue and get mad and yell.  But only once have we gone to bed angry.  After we get angry, we take a few minutes, calm down, and have a discussion.  I hope we can continue this process for a long time.

I'm not sure what most marriages are like.  On Facebook, no one ever talks about their marriage, except on occasion to say how fantastic it is.  And on TV and in the movies, on Tabloids and in the media, marriage life is so distorted it can't possibly be "normal."

So I've decided that 5 years is great, but not to worry about making it to 10 years, but just to take it day by day.  Take life day by day.  Because that's all we have, today.

Family Is So Important

Tomorrow is my 5 year wedding anniversary.  I am very happy in my marriage and very blessed to have found such an amazing supportive spouse.  Today I am also reminded of how much family support means to me, whether it be far off family in California and Canada, or family right here in my state.

I have learned in life that not everyone has what I have.  Many people don't have loving families, so I just want to tell my family, I love you.  And I hope that those who don't have a biological family who loves them, can create their own family by finding a person or people to share their life with and build on.

This summer I'm going to have a new sister, as my brother is getting married.  I am very excited and since I love weddings, it is especially exciting!  She has essentially been a part of the family for years anyway, since she has been dating my brother, but also because she is my sister-in-law's best friend!  She did my manicure and pedicure for me the night before my wedding.  Which was exactly 5 years ago, almost to the minute!

I am sitting here typing, listening to some new music, mixed in with my favorite music.  It has been a good day, and I am happy to end it on a positive note.

Desperate To Connect

I think I wrote something like 7 Facebook status updates, 3 posts on people's timelines, and multiple comments today.  I need to connect with people.  I am desperate to connect with people.  Ideally I would like to connect with people who are going through similar stuff that I am going through, so I sent an email to my Schizoaffective email group.  So far, no response.  I would love to talk to people from my Partial Hospital Program, but no one there wants to communicate with me outside the program.  Which is okay.  I mean we're not really supposed to hang out until we've finished the program so that people don't feel left out.  People do, and of course I feel left out.  I would love to connect on Facebook with some of them, but I can't because of the whole anonymity of the program.  No one knows anyone's last name.  But there are a few people who I wish I could be friends with afterwards.

I need friends who have my symptoms.  Or at least understand them.  I don't know how to find friends that do.  I don't need to hang out with them.  I don't hang out with anyone.  But to chat with online, or maybe...maybe text with.  I don't know about that.  I wish I had someone to call when the cameras are on and the world is watching, when the rays are boring into my head, reading my thoughts and broadcasting them to the world.  When the tall broad-shouldered man comes into the apartment with his heavy footsteps and his flashlight, to kill me.  Every night.

I don't feel safe.  Not in my apartment, not in my Therapist's office, not anywhere.  Not because I'm going to hurt myself, but because I feel exposed.

I'm told these are "delusions", and hallucinations.  But these are only the tip of the iceberg, or so I'm told.  I'm not going to say any more because I have to protect my privacy.  But it makes it pretty damn hard to function normally.  I can give the appearance of "normal".  I've perfected it since I first experienced "delusions" when I was about 7.  Over the years I learned to act like everyone else and I thought my thoughts were "normal."  It's only recently that I discovered they weren't.

Sure people think they're jinxes and certain superstitions can cause their teams to lose.  It is literally ALWAYS my fault when the Bruins, Pats, Maple Leafs, Blue Jays, Red Sox, Kings lose.  It's my fault the Blue Jays aren't going to the World Series.  I can't explain why.  I just know it.

Is this TMI?  Of course.  Do you know I take it personally when people don't like or comment on my posts?  I think it's part of a conspiracy to puch me to the breaking point?  I think people have blocked my posts.  Anyway, my brother's going to be pissed that I shared so much.  He's trying to teach me to filter my thoughts before I post them.  Sorry R, but Crazy Jenn is in charge tonight!

Short Blip Of A Post

I haven't written in over a week because my mind has been too chaotic.  It's still pretty chaotic.

I am spending my days in a Partial Hospital Program.  It provides structure, group therapy, coping skills, and socialization.  It is a safe place.  I am getting a lot out of it.

I don't like being lied to by my doctor's office.  I found out I was lied to by one of the 24/7 clinicians.  She told me one thing, then called the ER I was going to and told them something else.  It was not cool.

The Bruins have started off the season really badly.  I hope it gets better.  Tuukka is just not performing at his best.

Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving!

In a few minutes, it will be Monday.  Here where I live, most people will be celebrating Columbus Day, or as some more enlightened communities in the US are calling it, Indigenous People's Day.  But Over the border to our North, it is Thanksgiving.  And since my mother was born and raised there, this is the big holiday my family celebrates every year.  My siblings and their spouses and children, and my mom's closest friends, gather in my mom's apartment, and eat a traditional Thanksgiving meal with all the fixings.  She usually makes something like 20 pies.  This year she had to cut it back to 12.  I think we'll manage.

If you're read my posts over the last few weeks, you'll know I haven't been doing too well.  I was starting to feel better last week, but alas, my mood and psychosis are out of control.  So I'm telling myself, just make it through Thanksgiving with my family, then figure out necessary treatment options.  I haven't seen some of my family in 2 years, because last year we were unable to attend.  And this year I will be meeting my nephew for the first time.  He was born in January, but without a car, I've never met him.

Tuesday morning, first thing, I have an appointment with my Nurse Psychiatrist.  We will talk about my unmanageable symptoms and figure out how to move forward.

So what am I thankful for in such a time of desolation and insanity (I may sound sane while writing this, but I assure you, my hallucinations and beliefs are bad right now)?  I am of course thankful for my family.  Every weekend, either my mother or my step-father, drives up 20+ miles to where we live to take us grocery shopping and to run errands.  I am immensely thankful for that.  I am thankful for the friends and family on Facebook who offer support even when they don't always know what to say or how to deal with me.  I am thankful for my health insurance and Health Care Team, who make sure I am taken care of.  I am thankful for my loving husband who has stood by me through the good times and the bad times.

But most importantly, I am thankful for my life.  I may not always value it.  And I may not always think I want it.  But truth be told, I am grateful for the chance to live my life on this planet, however long I may be here.

Rest In Peace Gary And Jenn

I need to talk.  To anybody.  3 weeks ago I lied to one of my friends about who I was having lunch with.  I knew he would disapprove and when he started asking questions, I panicked and started telling more lies.  Not one of my best moments.  I went to lunch.  The next day my friend of 15 years asked how the lunch went.  I admitted I had lunch with someone from my past who I had lied about.  My friend then accused me of going in the hopes of having an affair to spice up my boring life.  I said that wasn't true and my friend called me a liar.  I said that if he couldn't believe me when I told the truth I had nothing more to say to him.  I said good-bye, he said good-bye, and we hung up.

The next two weeks I went through a very severe depression and couldn't deal with this fight with my friend.  A few days ago I started feeling better.  So last night I wrote a very long email, apologizing for lying and stating what wasn't going right in our friendship, and offering solutions as to how to fix it, so I wouldn't feel the need to lie anymore, because normally, I don't lie.  I sent it last night at about 6:45 pm.  I still hadn't heard anything by about 11pm so I sent a text, "I sent you an email.  Did you get it?"  Because sometimes he doesn't check his personal email. 

This morning I woke up and found I had a text message from him.  "I did.  I'm done.  Good-bye meant good-bye.  I hope you get the help you need and can learn to live a meaningful life."

That's it.  15 years, gone.  He was my boss for 7 years.  He was my friend for longer.  I helped him through his divorce.  I saw the pictures the Private Investigator took of his wife with her lover at a restaurant.  I listened to Drops of Jupiter with him and listened to him talked about how it related to his wife.  I saw him shed tears for his marriage.  And he helped me.  He helped me through the breakup of my first adult relationship.  He helped me through the ups and downs of undiagnosed mental illnesses.  He believed in me, promoted me, taught me, mentored me.  I worked my ass off to please him.

Yes I even had a crush on him for years.  It made it hard to work for him because I knew that he didn't feel the same way.  But I couldn't leave.  I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him every weekday.  And then the layoff happened.  We were both let go, although they kept extending him.  We would have lunch once a week until I got another job.  For years we would talk on the phone. 

We would play pool, both at work and outside of work.  People at our company even thought we were dating just because of our closeness and how we interacted.  We were friends.  And he was essentially my best friend. 

And now?  Now it's over.  No more weekly phone calls. Nothing.  I am left to mourn a relationship that had turned toxic in the last two years.  With him always putting me down, calling me lazy, calling me a teenager at least 20 times a conversation.  He didn't understand mental illness.  When he went through a depression over his divorce, he kept working, so he couldn't understand why I couldn't work through my illnesses.  It caused tension.  I would feel worse after talking to him.  I suppose it was only a matter of time.  But it still hurts.  Rest In Peace Gary and Jenn

From Bipolar To Schizoaffective Disorder

In 2010, my Psychiatrist, my PCP, my Psychologist, and a number of specialists, all met at my doctor's office to discuss treatment for me,  I don't know exactly what they talked about, but what came out of that meeting was to put me on Clozapine (Clozaril).  It is a drug that is only available at specially registered pharmacies and there is a national registry to be on it.  Once a week, the patient is required to have blood work done to check Complete Blood Counts.  I didn't know much about the drug, but agreed to try it.  I was on it for several months.  My husband and I call it the Zombie Drug.  I would sleep 20-23 hours a day.  I ignored phone calls, friends, family.  I missed therapy appointments and was eventually dropped by my therapist.  Then I lost my health insurance.  I stopped taking it.

This last weekend I decided to google the drug.  It is used to treat severe schizophrenia.  This confused me because I don't have schizophrenia.  I asked my nurse psychiatrist about it on Monday,  She said that they most likely put me on it because I was having severe psychotic symptoms.  Today when I saw her, I worked up enough courage to ask her what my official diagnosis was.  For the last ten years, I had been told I was Bipolar.  I've been identifying as Bipolar.

She told me, I had Schizoaffective Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, and PTSD.

Holy shit.  I just sat there in shock for a minute.  It turned out my previous Psychiatrist had diagnosed me as such years ago, but neglected to tell me.  That's why they put me on Clozapine.

For those unaware of Schizoaffective Disorder, it's like a cross between Schizophrenia and either Bipolar or Depression.  For more information, check out this link:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/schizoaffective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20029221

So now here I sit.  Desperate to talk to someone, but unsure what to say.  I have therapy tomorrow.  I'll have to talk it out then.

The weird thing is that it fits.  I'm not questioning the diagnosis.  I just wish someone had bothered to inform me.

Minute By Minute

People talk about getting through one day at a time when feeling depressed or going through a rough time.  But when Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Psychosis, etc. take over, you're living minute by minute, just trying to survive one minute at a time.  That's where I'm at.  When I'm hallucinating, even a second lasts a lifetime.  A week ago I had one of the most frightening visual hallucinations of my life.  I'm not going to share it, as my psych team thinks it is trauma related.

My delusions, paranoia, and magical thinking are back.  Again, my psych team thinks this has been triggered by multiple stressful events that took place over the course of the last 3 weeks.  I have been taking all my medications, and going to all my therapy appointments.  But it's not enough.  I have engaged in self destructive behavior.  So I have finally agreed to a Partial Hospitalization Program.  My intake appointment isn't scheduled for another 10 days, which is the soonest they could get me in.  I just have to try and hang on until then.

The other option, is of course, in-patient hospitalization, which my psych team has also been telling me to consider.  I don't want to do it for a number of reasons.  They almost always change medications, which is not necessary as these episodes were triggered by outside events.  There's no therapy in-patient.  And there's nothing to do.  It's a lot like prison.  On top of all that, my husband can't really manage on his own.  He can't feed himself because he can't cook, not even pasta, and I manage his medications for him (though he has figured out his medications in the past).

The biggest fear I have with going in-patient is where they will send me.  Most psychiatric facilities are okay (though none can rival McLean's, minus the food), but I am terrified I will end up at Baldpate, which is a substance abuse facility.  It's good for people who have substance abuse problems and dual diagnosis, but they don't have a program for non-substance abuse patients.  I was sent there because it was literally the only bed in the entire Eastern Massachusetts.  I was forced to go to AA 4 times a day.  I faked getting better just to be released.  4 days later I was admitted to McLean's to get treatment specific to my illnesses.

I'm putting a lot out here, and maybe I shouldn't, but if you're like me, and you're really struggling almost every minute of every day, get help.  If you don't have help, call a helpline.  I have a mother who cares about me and I have a very supportive husband, who is doing the best he can to keep me safe, while undergoing his own stress.

I get asked a lot why I can't work.  There are even times I feel normal enough to work.  I go on interviews and I even get jobs occasionally.  I worked at iRobot for a week before the anxiety set in and I got so sick to my stomach repeatedly that I was sent to the ER and then admitted inpatient while they ran tests.  They did discover I had physical gastro problems, like gastroparesis, and possible Celiac Disease, but I think the anxiety was what triggered the getting sick.  The same thing happened at CVS.  When I started vomiting in front of customers, I knew I couldn't handle it, even such an easy job.  And that's when I would feel "normal".  Times like these would cost me my job if I had one.  I was laid off from Millennium for my deteriorating mental health, though they'll never admit that.

It actually is very hard to talk about this because people feel uncomfortable, helpless, and don't know what to say.  I'm not looking for advice, I have my psych team for that.  All I want is words of support, which a bunch of friends have already given me.  It feels very lonely and isolating.  And I just want the pain to go away.