Rest In Peace Gary And Jenn

I need to talk.  To anybody.  3 weeks ago I lied to one of my friends about who I was having lunch with.  I knew he would disapprove and when he started asking questions, I panicked and started telling more lies.  Not one of my best moments.  I went to lunch.  The next day my friend of 15 years asked how the lunch went.  I admitted I had lunch with someone from my past who I had lied about.  My friend then accused me of going in the hopes of having an affair to spice up my boring life.  I said that wasn't true and my friend called me a liar.  I said that if he couldn't believe me when I told the truth I had nothing more to say to him.  I said good-bye, he said good-bye, and we hung up.

The next two weeks I went through a very severe depression and couldn't deal with this fight with my friend.  A few days ago I started feeling better.  So last night I wrote a very long email, apologizing for lying and stating what wasn't going right in our friendship, and offering solutions as to how to fix it, so I wouldn't feel the need to lie anymore, because normally, I don't lie.  I sent it last night at about 6:45 pm.  I still hadn't heard anything by about 11pm so I sent a text, "I sent you an email.  Did you get it?"  Because sometimes he doesn't check his personal email. 

This morning I woke up and found I had a text message from him.  "I did.  I'm done.  Good-bye meant good-bye.  I hope you get the help you need and can learn to live a meaningful life."

That's it.  15 years, gone.  He was my boss for 7 years.  He was my friend for longer.  I helped him through his divorce.  I saw the pictures the Private Investigator took of his wife with her lover at a restaurant.  I listened to Drops of Jupiter with him and listened to him talked about how it related to his wife.  I saw him shed tears for his marriage.  And he helped me.  He helped me through the breakup of my first adult relationship.  He helped me through the ups and downs of undiagnosed mental illnesses.  He believed in me, promoted me, taught me, mentored me.  I worked my ass off to please him.

Yes I even had a crush on him for years.  It made it hard to work for him because I knew that he didn't feel the same way.  But I couldn't leave.  I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him every weekday.  And then the layoff happened.  We were both let go, although they kept extending him.  We would have lunch once a week until I got another job.  For years we would talk on the phone. 

We would play pool, both at work and outside of work.  People at our company even thought we were dating just because of our closeness and how we interacted.  We were friends.  And he was essentially my best friend. 

And now?  Now it's over.  No more weekly phone calls. Nothing.  I am left to mourn a relationship that had turned toxic in the last two years.  With him always putting me down, calling me lazy, calling me a teenager at least 20 times a conversation.  He didn't understand mental illness.  When he went through a depression over his divorce, he kept working, so he couldn't understand why I couldn't work through my illnesses.  It caused tension.  I would feel worse after talking to him.  I suppose it was only a matter of time.  But it still hurts.  Rest In Peace Gary and Jenn