Make the Voices Stop

I've said this before, I'll say it again.  I'm Bipolar.  With my form of Bipolar, I experience Magical Thinking, Distorted Thinking, and Hallucinations.  Not always, and if I'm on my meds, very rarely.  Unfortunately the last week has been one of those times.  I'm not 100% out of the clear yet either, but the last few nights I've experienced voices yelling at me.  Calling me stupid.  Putting me down in any way possible.  Now I was lucky.  They did not turn into Command Hallucinations which require hospitalization.  Command Hallucinations are when the voices are telling you to hurt either yourself or someone else, or are telling you to do something else negative.  I called my doctor's office, spoke with the Psychiatrist on call, and came up with a plan, adjusting my medicines enough to counteract the frightening voices.

My Magical Thinking consists of believing I can control traffic lights or which song will play next or which picture will come up next on my screensaver.  My Distorted Thinking is that I believe someone will break in and kill me.  I hear them coming in to the apartment.  I see their flashlights.  It's very real.  Only it's not.  They are not there.

Psychosis is nothing to take lightly.  It can be so frightening you will do anything to make it stop.  My husband had to spend the last two nights holding me so that I wouldn't do something stupid.  Not holding me down, just holding me in a loving kind of way, until I was finally able to fall asleep.  Sleep did not come easily either.  I have not been tired and have not been able to sleep much the last week.  I slept all day today so I'm hoping that will change, but after the Mania, comes the crash.  The horrible depression that can swallow you whole.  If you know deep depression you know what I'm talking about.

As I write these words I wonder what you will think of me.  Please do not be so quick to judge.  I am not crazy, I just have an illness.  It needs to be treated like any other illness.  I take medicines and go to group and individual therapy.  I will not let my condition ruin my life, as I had let it for so many years.  I'm going to live life to the fullest.