Minute By Minute

People talk about getting through one day at a time when feeling depressed or going through a rough time.  But when Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Psychosis, etc. take over, you're living minute by minute, just trying to survive one minute at a time.  That's where I'm at.  When I'm hallucinating, even a second lasts a lifetime.  A week ago I had one of the most frightening visual hallucinations of my life.  I'm not going to share it, as my psych team thinks it is trauma related.

My delusions, paranoia, and magical thinking are back.  Again, my psych team thinks this has been triggered by multiple stressful events that took place over the course of the last 3 weeks.  I have been taking all my medications, and going to all my therapy appointments.  But it's not enough.  I have engaged in self destructive behavior.  So I have finally agreed to a Partial Hospitalization Program.  My intake appointment isn't scheduled for another 10 days, which is the soonest they could get me in.  I just have to try and hang on until then.

The other option, is of course, in-patient hospitalization, which my psych team has also been telling me to consider.  I don't want to do it for a number of reasons.  They almost always change medications, which is not necessary as these episodes were triggered by outside events.  There's no therapy in-patient.  And there's nothing to do.  It's a lot like prison.  On top of all that, my husband can't really manage on his own.  He can't feed himself because he can't cook, not even pasta, and I manage his medications for him (though he has figured out his medications in the past).

The biggest fear I have with going in-patient is where they will send me.  Most psychiatric facilities are okay (though none can rival McLean's, minus the food), but I am terrified I will end up at Baldpate, which is a substance abuse facility.  It's good for people who have substance abuse problems and dual diagnosis, but they don't have a program for non-substance abuse patients.  I was sent there because it was literally the only bed in the entire Eastern Massachusetts.  I was forced to go to AA 4 times a day.  I faked getting better just to be released.  4 days later I was admitted to McLean's to get treatment specific to my illnesses.

I'm putting a lot out here, and maybe I shouldn't, but if you're like me, and you're really struggling almost every minute of every day, get help.  If you don't have help, call a helpline.  I have a mother who cares about me and I have a very supportive husband, who is doing the best he can to keep me safe, while undergoing his own stress.

I get asked a lot why I can't work.  There are even times I feel normal enough to work.  I go on interviews and I even get jobs occasionally.  I worked at iRobot for a week before the anxiety set in and I got so sick to my stomach repeatedly that I was sent to the ER and then admitted inpatient while they ran tests.  They did discover I had physical gastro problems, like gastroparesis, and possible Celiac Disease, but I think the anxiety was what triggered the getting sick.  The same thing happened at CVS.  When I started vomiting in front of customers, I knew I couldn't handle it, even such an easy job.  And that's when I would feel "normal".  Times like these would cost me my job if I had one.  I was laid off from Millennium for my deteriorating mental health, though they'll never admit that.

It actually is very hard to talk about this because people feel uncomfortable, helpless, and don't know what to say.  I'm not looking for advice, I have my psych team for that.  All I want is words of support, which a bunch of friends have already given me.  It feels very lonely and isolating.  And I just want the pain to go away.