Desperate To Connect

I think I wrote something like 7 Facebook status updates, 3 posts on people's timelines, and multiple comments today.  I need to connect with people.  I am desperate to connect with people.  Ideally I would like to connect with people who are going through similar stuff that I am going through, so I sent an email to my Schizoaffective email group.  So far, no response.  I would love to talk to people from my Partial Hospital Program, but no one there wants to communicate with me outside the program.  Which is okay.  I mean we're not really supposed to hang out until we've finished the program so that people don't feel left out.  People do, and of course I feel left out.  I would love to connect on Facebook with some of them, but I can't because of the whole anonymity of the program.  No one knows anyone's last name.  But there are a few people who I wish I could be friends with afterwards.

I need friends who have my symptoms.  Or at least understand them.  I don't know how to find friends that do.  I don't need to hang out with them.  I don't hang out with anyone.  But to chat with online, or maybe...maybe text with.  I don't know about that.  I wish I had someone to call when the cameras are on and the world is watching, when the rays are boring into my head, reading my thoughts and broadcasting them to the world.  When the tall broad-shouldered man comes into the apartment with his heavy footsteps and his flashlight, to kill me.  Every night.

I don't feel safe.  Not in my apartment, not in my Therapist's office, not anywhere.  Not because I'm going to hurt myself, but because I feel exposed.

I'm told these are "delusions", and hallucinations.  But these are only the tip of the iceberg, or so I'm told.  I'm not going to say any more because I have to protect my privacy.  But it makes it pretty damn hard to function normally.  I can give the appearance of "normal".  I've perfected it since I first experienced "delusions" when I was about 7.  Over the years I learned to act like everyone else and I thought my thoughts were "normal."  It's only recently that I discovered they weren't.

Sure people think they're jinxes and certain superstitions can cause their teams to lose.  It is literally ALWAYS my fault when the Bruins, Pats, Maple Leafs, Blue Jays, Red Sox, Kings lose.  It's my fault the Blue Jays aren't going to the World Series.  I can't explain why.  I just know it.

Is this TMI?  Of course.  Do you know I take it personally when people don't like or comment on my posts?  I think it's part of a conspiracy to puch me to the breaking point?  I think people have blocked my posts.  Anyway, my brother's going to be pissed that I shared so much.  He's trying to teach me to filter my thoughts before I post them.  Sorry R, but Crazy Jenn is in charge tonight!