Self-Doubt Cannot Win

The trick is to not internalize.

My day started out okay.  I had DBT group this morning, bright and early.  I found out that a member of my group, who also has a blog, has 8,000 followers!  Holy shit!  She is like 15 years younger than me, and also write about mental illness amonst other things.  How did she get such a following?  I want to ask her?  Damn, I want to read her blog, but I don't know her last name, or even how to spell her first name.

Next was coffee with my father at Dunkin Donuts.  We talked about my Mental illness and symptoms.  He asked me a lot of questions as though he didn't believe my diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder.  He thought that my hallucinations might be dreams.  I adamantly insisted they were not, nor were they tricks of light.  They are very real and terrifying.  I gave an example of a psychotic delusion I had as a child, and he just said that could be the result of a weird child.  Sigh.  I pointed out that was one of many, and I was only willing to give one example at that time.

I also told him I didn't think my grandfather liked me.  Everytime I call, he hands the phone off to my grandfather.  Every time I see him, he asks when I'm going to go back to work.  Last time I attempted to work, I was convinced the customers were sent by the government to push me to the limit so I would crack and they would lock me up again.  I vomited in front of customers because I was so anxious.  My dad explained that I present as "normal", which is why people are easily confused that I suffer from mental illness.  I explained that I spent my whole life desperately trying to fit in and appear normal so that I wouldn't stand out.  None of my other friends would run away and hide behind bushes every time a car or pedestrian passed by the house, so I learned to stop doing it, even though in my head I would be terrified that I was about to be murdered.

I think I reached some kind of understanding with my father.

I came home and did some writing.  I spent some time talking to people on Facebook.  I wrote some emails.

Then I was filled with Self-doubt.  I don't know where it came from.  A combination of things.  An email I got, I internalized too much, my Facebook notifications weren't working and I thought no one was "liking" my pictures that I shared about Veteran's Day.  It turned out that Chrome was having a seizure so I closed it and reopened it and I had 8 notifications waiting for me.

I feel better now.  I just need to remember not to internalize everything.  It's hard to remember that I am not that important, which is hard, because of some of my more paranoid delusions.

Anyway, I want to conclude this post by saying thank you to all the Veteran's of all the wars, who fought for this country, and who fought for the Allies in the World Wars, which included my family.  I can't thank you enough for your bravery.  Without you I would have no freedom.